Suicide is at times almost impossible to talk about. People have perceptions, feelings, opinions and varying levels of experience with it and every one of them is emotionally charged. Everyone has a different understanding about suicide. It does not discriminate, there is not one unilateral reason for it happening, there are more questions than answers and it all boils down to one moment, one choice, a blip in one persons life that causes a shock wave touching every person effected differently. Part of the stigma is because it's not something that people are subjected to helplessly, it's not like cancer that randomly chooses its victims. It's not a rare disease that people stand back and fight to remove. Depression and mental illness is, but suicide is something that happens to people that choose to do it.
Almost everyone who has been suicidal will tell you that it doesn't feel like a choice in that moment, it feels like it HAS to happen. It feels like something indescribable is happening to you, that even breathing is painful. It feels like your entire body is on fire and no one can stop the pain. Living becomes intolerable. When you are suicidal it feels like you are living two lives. One life is inescapable, tightening around your chest and suffocating you. The other life is the "just in case" life where you are normal, you continue doing everything you should be doing, engaging at work and in relationships because you might one day not feel like dying. you go on living "just in case" you survive. At one point I remember saying to myself "I need to do my laundry just in case I don't die tonight so I have something to wear to work in the morning." Sounds ridiculous, but I rode that fence for a long time. When you are suicidal you don't want to die but it feels like it will happen no matter what.
When someone dies by suicide the survivors are left doing a postmortem on the persons life. What happened to lead up to this? What did we miss? Where were the signs? How did this happen? There must be a reason! Did they ever tell anyone? Why didn't the professionals do anything? How could they do this to me? I've struggled with those questions when I examine my own struggle with it as well as trying to figure out what happened to my Dad who died in December of 1998 and my best friend who died in January of 2004. There aren't very many answers, even when someone does leave a note. Even when all the minutes and experiences that would lead up to someone taking their life make some sort of sense, the questions still remain.
My intention with this blog is to share that journey. I want to share what it is like to be on the suicidal ledge for those who haven't been there themselves and want to understand. I want to share what it is like to be on the other side, losing someone I have loved to suicide. I want to share what it's like to be a crisis counselor who has listened to many people who are struggling in that moment with the choice to stay alive or die. I want to try to be as dynamic in my words as the issue of suicide has been in my life. If you have stumbled here because you are looking for answers or you seek comfort in someone that "gets it", welcome. If you found this in your travels searching for help please reach out, call 1-800-273-TALK because someone is there and willing to talk to you right now. If you are just curious about the issue I am incredibly happy you have landed here. Whatever your journey is, thank you for being on it with me.
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